One-Hundred Things — Family Values
Family life is usually lots of fun, until the first child crosses the threshold between childhood and adolescence. Then parents begin to regret the neurotic longings and romantic fantasies; those sirens that beguiled them into parenthood back when their love was new, and things used to be so peaceful and happy.
When it comes to their own children, parents are apt to misapply the "Golden Rule" ... to do onto their children as they wished their own parents might have done onto them ... rather than employ a more sensible approach. The result is children who feel naturally entitled to privileges and good things; children who haven't been taught anything about the principle of reciprocity — the relationship between input and output; the reality that privileges and good things are made possible by someone's having made an effort to enable such possibilities.
That's not a lesson children can learn by receiving privileges and good things. Nor can it be taught by lecturing. The only way a person learns that reward is the wages of effort is by experience, and the teaching of that lesson needs to begin at the earliest possible age.
Why the "Golden Rule" mistake?
Most of us grow up to be neurotic. We're discontented and unhappy with life. Because we are neurotic, we have to blame that on someone or something else. We therefore cultivate the belief that we're miserable and unsuccessful because our parents were thoughtless and mean ... that we were mistreated, exploited and deprived, and our childhood was the worst ever. As an unconscious strategy for proving to ourselves that this nonsense is indeed true, we resolve never do that to our own kids ... to be much better parents than the ones we were stuck with.
We therefore coddle our children, protect them from every stress and distress, and lavish upon them everything that we can afford to give, with the intention of enabling them to grow up as bright, happy and successful people. What we get instead, as our children move into their second decade of life, is more neurotics ... self-centered, discontented, contemptuous, disrespectful, brats.
At some point, we might begin to realize that perhaps our own parents were not so dumb after all. Perhaps they actually did a better job of preparing us for the realities of life than we are doing with our own children, who will all too soon have to leave the nest and enter into a highly competitive world ... a place where there are no free lunches, and where most of the people they encounter will be indifferent or hostile towards them until they are able to win their affection or better opinion.
So then what?
It's not a matter of tightening the screws, or straightening your kid out. It's more a matter of getting your own act together. You wanted to be an exemplary parent, but you didn't know how to do it. Nobody ever taught you, and what you probably read from time to time provided all sorts of whacky theoretical and conflicting advice.
The answer is simple, and clearly a matter of common sense. Your kid is heading for an adult world which is quite unlike the environment of childhood. It's an utterly lonely, callously uncaring and highly competitive place. Your kid will need to have mastered four skills:
• caring of himself physically and emotionally,
• valuing and caring for his personal property and interests,
• interacting successfully with other people, and
• honoring his family ties.
The first three of these are the subjects of many books, including my book for boys; Mind Over Monster. The importance of family is not something that is as popular to write about these days. That's unfortunate, for two reasons.
• First, raising generations without an appreciation of that truth has led to the demise of family through easy divorce and multiple marriages. The result is lonely and vulnerable grown-up children who find themselves with no refuge. That's terribly unfortunate because ...
• Second, in an adult world which is utterly lonely, callously uncaring and highly competitive, family abides as a safe harbor where one can always find unconditional caring and love.
As kids grow up, they naturally seek increasing autonomy and independence. Knowing how much to yield, and when, is always a challenge for parents. But even when that's handled intelligently and fairly, peer relationships encourage teenagers to disparage and distance themselves from their family.
Here's an idea that will help deal with that.
Next time your kid screws up to the extent that you feel obliged to extract a penalty of some sort ... such as taking away their cell phone, ipod, computer privileges, the car keys, or whatever ... give them a quick and easy way to fix the situation. Edit and print this note:
If you wish to have your _______________ privileges restored, you may make three lists, as follows:
1. Benefits that you personally enjoy from being a member of this family, and our particular household.
2. Things you personally contribute to make life easier and happier in our home and family.
3. Other things you could do, if willing, to show your consideration for, and appreciation of others in your in your home and family.
When your three lists contain a total of one-hundred items, your privileges will be restored.
Most kids will think this is a lame, but easy, assignment, and ... depending upon how badly they want to get off the hook ... will promptly produce the requested lists. They'll be expecting a discussion, but surprise them. Don't bother. Accept the lists with a "Thank You" and fulfill your part of the bargain right then and there.
Then use your word processing skills to type up nicely formatted letter size versions of their three lists in a style suitable for framing. Go to Walmart, Hobby Lobby, or your local discount department store, and buy three cheap "certificate frames." Frame the lists, and hang them neatly on the wall in your kid's bedroom.
The lists do not constitute a "deal" of any sort ... not a contract to continue the thoughtful and considerate contributions your kid might already be making for the family, nor a promise to do anything more. They simply serve as a reminder that "family" is a cooperative institution where members faithfully and unconditionally support each other, and can be depended upon to rightfully give as much as they receive.
Nothing more need be said about them.
When it comes to their own children, parents are apt to misapply the "Golden Rule" ... to do onto their children as they wished their own parents might have done onto them ... rather than employ a more sensible approach. The result is children who feel naturally entitled to privileges and good things; children who haven't been taught anything about the principle of reciprocity — the relationship between input and output; the reality that privileges and good things are made possible by someone's having made an effort to enable such possibilities.
That's not a lesson children can learn by receiving privileges and good things. Nor can it be taught by lecturing. The only way a person learns that reward is the wages of effort is by experience, and the teaching of that lesson needs to begin at the earliest possible age.
Why the "Golden Rule" mistake?
Most of us grow up to be neurotic. We're discontented and unhappy with life. Because we are neurotic, we have to blame that on someone or something else. We therefore cultivate the belief that we're miserable and unsuccessful because our parents were thoughtless and mean ... that we were mistreated, exploited and deprived, and our childhood was the worst ever. As an unconscious strategy for proving to ourselves that this nonsense is indeed true, we resolve never do that to our own kids ... to be much better parents than the ones we were stuck with.
We therefore coddle our children, protect them from every stress and distress, and lavish upon them everything that we can afford to give, with the intention of enabling them to grow up as bright, happy and successful people. What we get instead, as our children move into their second decade of life, is more neurotics ... self-centered, discontented, contemptuous, disrespectful, brats.
At some point, we might begin to realize that perhaps our own parents were not so dumb after all. Perhaps they actually did a better job of preparing us for the realities of life than we are doing with our own children, who will all too soon have to leave the nest and enter into a highly competitive world ... a place where there are no free lunches, and where most of the people they encounter will be indifferent or hostile towards them until they are able to win their affection or better opinion.
So then what?
It's not a matter of tightening the screws, or straightening your kid out. It's more a matter of getting your own act together. You wanted to be an exemplary parent, but you didn't know how to do it. Nobody ever taught you, and what you probably read from time to time provided all sorts of whacky theoretical and conflicting advice.
The answer is simple, and clearly a matter of common sense. Your kid is heading for an adult world which is quite unlike the environment of childhood. It's an utterly lonely, callously uncaring and highly competitive place. Your kid will need to have mastered four skills:
• caring of himself physically and emotionally,
• valuing and caring for his personal property and interests,
• interacting successfully with other people, and
• honoring his family ties.
The first three of these are the subjects of many books, including my book for boys; Mind Over Monster. The importance of family is not something that is as popular to write about these days. That's unfortunate, for two reasons.
• First, raising generations without an appreciation of that truth has led to the demise of family through easy divorce and multiple marriages. The result is lonely and vulnerable grown-up children who find themselves with no refuge. That's terribly unfortunate because ...
• Second, in an adult world which is utterly lonely, callously uncaring and highly competitive, family abides as a safe harbor where one can always find unconditional caring and love.
As kids grow up, they naturally seek increasing autonomy and independence. Knowing how much to yield, and when, is always a challenge for parents. But even when that's handled intelligently and fairly, peer relationships encourage teenagers to disparage and distance themselves from their family.
Here's an idea that will help deal with that.
Next time your kid screws up to the extent that you feel obliged to extract a penalty of some sort ... such as taking away their cell phone, ipod, computer privileges, the car keys, or whatever ... give them a quick and easy way to fix the situation. Edit and print this note:
If you wish to have your _______________ privileges restored, you may make three lists, as follows:
1. Benefits that you personally enjoy from being a member of this family, and our particular household.
2. Things you personally contribute to make life easier and happier in our home and family.
3. Other things you could do, if willing, to show your consideration for, and appreciation of others in your in your home and family.
When your three lists contain a total of one-hundred items, your privileges will be restored.
Most kids will think this is a lame, but easy, assignment, and ... depending upon how badly they want to get off the hook ... will promptly produce the requested lists. They'll be expecting a discussion, but surprise them. Don't bother. Accept the lists with a "Thank You" and fulfill your part of the bargain right then and there.
Then use your word processing skills to type up nicely formatted letter size versions of their three lists in a style suitable for framing. Go to Walmart, Hobby Lobby, or your local discount department store, and buy three cheap "certificate frames." Frame the lists, and hang them neatly on the wall in your kid's bedroom.
The lists do not constitute a "deal" of any sort ... not a contract to continue the thoughtful and considerate contributions your kid might already be making for the family, nor a promise to do anything more. They simply serve as a reminder that "family" is a cooperative institution where members faithfully and unconditionally support each other, and can be depended upon to rightfully give as much as they receive.
Nothing more need be said about them.
Labels: Culture
posted by BoysMind at
2:21 PM
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